When I first attended Adnan’s Sufi Camp, I was filled with negative thoughts. My husband had left me for another woman and I felt worthless. I didn’t even take space in the dorm choosing instead to sleep in an old canvas tent at the edge of the property. 

One day, Adnan asked me to help in the kitchen cutting and cooking onions. I was elated. My services were needed! My ego boosted. When I arrived in the kitchen that afternoon, I found another person already cutting onions. I hated her. I judged the way she cut the onions and told her they were too big. We jockeyed for space at the stove. I was jealous and wished she would go away.

At the end of summer camp, we were asked to write a report on our camp experience. In my writing, I remembered the onions and laughed at my folly. How silly to be fighting over who got to prepare onions! My face burned with embarrassment when that part of my report was read in the workshop. But afterward, I was admired for my honesty. I learned that we all struggle with the negative self.

In the early years of my camp attendance, I was desperate to prove my worth. I did whatever Adnan asked me to do: compiled books of his students’ reports, took dictation and edited his writings, videotaped workshops, dance shows, and variety shows, and then edited them. I helped in the kitchen and in the garden. I even loaned my hand-made costume dancers in his shows. Whatever he asked, I delivered. While most of his students were passed out in the workroom after an intense session, I was up and preparing to videotape the interview of one of his students regarding the Sufi work. 

One week I was kept so busy videotaping and editing that on our one day off – Tuesday -- I was too exhausted to go into town with the others. It was a powerful lesson in setting limits. I had many other lessons like this. 

Adnan invited me to read one of his essays in the evening workshop during my second summer. He already had many other readers and would switch between them during a single session. I was honored to be asked.

My first effort at reading, however, was awful. I read too fast and stumbled over his words. His writing is a bit of a challenge because, as a non-native speaker, the rhythm of his writing is very different from mine. He often wrote long sentences that could fill a page with minor punctuation. Sometimes a sentence would peter out over several lines without a verb or ending. And his topics could switch mid-paragraph.

With practice and concentration, my reading gradually improved. It is through my reading that I became keenly aware of my ego. There was another reader who was very funny at creating different voices for the different characters in Adnan's stories. I tried to be like her. 

Whenever I started to think, “Oooh I’m sounding good!” I would immediately stumble over his words. It was my best ego training. I quickly learned to ignore that ego voice in my head. Instead, I focused on the words and the flow, pausing between phrases to let the meaning sink in, emphasizing specific words to capture attention. I took pleasure in the feel of his words in my mouth. He had a way with his words, phrasing, and character names. They all had an impact. I savored their taste, their movement, their message. 

Finally, I stopped worrying about keeping the audience’s attention. My purpose was to read the best I could -- to seek excellence not acclaim. If some of my audience slept that was what they needed. For those who remained awake, I made it easier for them to catch his words. Sometimes, I read his writings in my Sufi class. My favorites are the lyrical passages of nature and the perspective of spiritual bliss. I am reminded of the beauty in every moment and to see the world with awe. 

Join me for another Nafs taming session tomorrow, Sunday, February 4 at 8 am PST. 

The Zoom link is:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89999494833?pwd=V2pOS28yYUdXM3hkaW1rVWIvSjBUdz09

Meeting ID: 899 9949 4833

Passcode: SUFI

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Be peaceful.

Michelle

Dr. Michelle Peticolas

Life Transformation Coach

Empowering Women to Reinvent Their Life After Loss

Secrets of Life and Death

https://www.facebook.com/secretsoflifeanddeath.com